Stop Hitting Your Brother or I Will Smack You!

Remember how stupid that sentence made grownups look when we were kids? “If you don’t stop hitting your brother I will smack you into next week.” And the adult looked even dumber if they had just hit you before delivering that ultimatum.

I once had a policeman at the mall tell me and a group of my friends, “If you kids want to hang out here, you are going to have to move along.” That one didn’t make much sense either. Hmm, wait officer, what if I don’t want to be here, can I hang out some more? No? I want to be here, so I have to go? Yeah, that makes sense.

I know that adults get frustrated when the world and the children in it don’t behave. I’m officially grown up now and I have kids, I get it.. But it doesn’t take away the idiocy of trying to teach kids to be nice by threatening violence against them, or telling them to give up what they want to get what they want. I get confused just trying to explain the illogic of the situation, but let’s just press on ahead, shall we?

So I realize the Bush Administration must be frustrated when the world doesn’t react the way they want (no flowers and candy in Iraq). And I realize that frustrated and angry people say stupid things, but damn it we pay these guys to be the adults around here.

“All options are on the table,” says Mr. Bush when asked about his plans for Iran. Read that as “If you develop nukes, I am going to nuke you into next week.”

Meanwhile the “adult” in Iran is promising to “cut off the hand of the aggressor” if attacked. Read that as “I’ll do what ever the fuck I want, Old Man, even if you do kick my ass.”

Well I don’t know about the rest of you kids, but I’m feeling kind of queasy stuck here in the middle between two angry drunk adults who should know better but seem intent on starting a fight. Read that as “We would like to keep hanging out here (on planet Earth), so why don’t you guys move along. I hear Mars is a great place to have a nuclear battle—lots of room and no innocent civilians to die horrible deaths. And the place is named after the god of war, so you should feel right at home. Take your lunatic logic and your angry posturing and your ICBMs and get the heck out of here. This was a nice quiet neighborhood before you thugs moved in. Go on, bombs away, as in take your bombs and go away.”

Oh well, I don’t think these guys are listening to us. Maybe we should spray them with cold water?